Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
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They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
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Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me