Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
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I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.