having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
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[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t