My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
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Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing