“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
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Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything