[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
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If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
This headline is a thing of beauty
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.