I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
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*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyonc茅 “
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I鈥檓 done.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Doctor: for the last time, you don鈥檛 have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 馃ぃ馃ぃ
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it鈥檚 working
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive