The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
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Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
I could NOT have put it better myself.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Thank you corporation very cool
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
only 11 steps left
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.