i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
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Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Cutest fight ever.. 😊