Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
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Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza