HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
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They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”