My dog ate my work from home.
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[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–