chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
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Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
When they try to steal your moment.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.