[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
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I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Not even remotely sorry.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.