I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
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Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice