Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
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SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level