When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
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*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.