I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
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doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
He took my last fry, your honor
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.