I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
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She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Nose
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.