*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
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Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
No laws when master is gone
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
just having fun
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.