[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
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You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
I already tried new things thanks.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless