Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
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[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Oh we’ve met.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they