Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
You Might Also Like
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Baking is just science you can eat.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.