Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
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The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me