I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
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ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right