Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
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I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
I feel attacked.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
What do you hear?
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”