My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
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I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Twitter fine art
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
The Weeknd is back
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.