Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
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Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf