I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
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I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.