If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
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6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.