Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
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Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Haha good job!!
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then