You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
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doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?