People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
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I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
“A little help here, Danny?”
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
2022 be like
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?