Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
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King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.