Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
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Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible