blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
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FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying