feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
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ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Lassie, get help!