ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
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SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Dietest Coke
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here