ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
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Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
yeah not falling for this one
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me