Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
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Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad