I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
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<—- homeless romantic
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
The first matador
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
dream blunt rotation
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich