Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
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I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.