Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
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My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Body by sandwich.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household