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I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.