This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
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It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Yup
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what