[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
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Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
I feel it
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”