Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
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Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.