Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
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Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?