I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
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Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
only 11 steps left
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry