Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
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[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
I gave up going to work for lent.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?